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Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work and What Will, by Dr. Shefali Tsabary
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Every parent wants the golden key to raising well-behaved, academically gifted, successful, happy children. Embedded in the collective psyche is the notion that discipline is the cornerstone to achieving these goals. Out of Control offers a never-before-published perspective on why the entire premise of discipline is flawed. Dr. Shefali Tsabary reveals how discipline is a major cause of generations of dysfunction. The author goes to the heart of the problems parents have with children, challenging society’s dependence on discipline, daring readers to let go of fear-based ideologies and replace them with an approach that draws parent and child together. The key is ongoing meaningful connection between parent and child, free from threats, deprivation, punishment, and timeouts — all forms of manipulation. Parents learn how to enter into deep communion with their children, understanding the reasons for a behavior and how to bring out the best in the child. Far from a laissez-faire, anything goes, approach, this is how a child learns responsibility and takes ownership of their life, equipped with character and resilience that flow naturally from within.
- Sales Rank: #21037 in Books
- Brand: Namaste Publishing
- Published on: 2013-12-24
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.75" h x 6.00" w x 1.00" l, .85 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 225 pages
- Namaste Publishing
Review
The patterns of behavior we witness in childhood become the template for our own way of parenting.
It’s because discipline focuses on behavior, not on the feel- ings driving the behavior, that it undercuts the very thing we are trying to accomplish.
We’ve been so schooled to impose “lessons” on our children that it feels counterintuitive to allow the lesson to emerge naturally out of the situation.
The reality is that children learn not because we tell them, but from how we relate to them. It’s the differ- ence between “doing to” ver- sus “doing with.”
To give a child things or deprive them because to do so matches our subconscious agenda—our unresolved emo- tional baggage—rather than aligning with their develop- mental needs, is to court conflict.
Each moment with our child is a reflection of the past and a foundation for the future.
It’s the dynamic that arises from insisting on our paren- tal agenda that creates the need for discipline.
When it comes to accepting ourselves as imperfect, we set the tone for our children. The degree to which they accept their imperfections tends to be the degree to which we accept and honor our own.
To be present for our children means to be aware of our own subconscious agenda so we don’t impose this on our children.
If a parent puts out the kind of vibes that welcome feel- ings, even when the feelings are difficult to tolerate, the child picks up on this, eventually learning how to manage their feelings in a healthy manner.
There are all kinds of ways we can help our children cope with their world. Creativity is what’s needed, not admonish- ment or discipline.
Our children didn’t come into the world to be our puppets. They came here to struggle, fumble, thrive, and enjoy—a journey for which they need our encouragement.
From the Inside Flap
Where did the belief come from that we need to discipline our children if they are to grow up into individuals who are well adjusted and who make something of their lives?
Out of Control reveals how the very discipline we impose to control behavior is in reality a major cause of bad behavior, disrespect for adults, and dysfunction such as bullying, hostility toward family and society, drugs, alcoholism, and teen suicide.
Dr Tsabary asserts that to parent effectively requires us to develop a deep connection with our children, so that we address the feelings that drive a child s behavior instead of punishing. When we tackle the reason for the behavior, says Dr Tsabary, it automatically changes.
Far from a laissez-faire, anything goes approach, Dr Tsabary advocates for a high level of parental resolve that majors not in control, but in helping a child develop a sense of personal responsibility.
Authentic connection, in which children can be real with their parents, leads to a home in which self-discipline prevails both for the child and the parent.
The need to impose our will on our children evaporates, leading to respect, ownership of one s life, and a strong character marked by a resilience that flows naturally from within.
"
From the Back Cover
Where did the belief come from that we need to discipline our children if they are to grow up into individuals who are well adjusted and who make something of their lives?
Out of Control reveals how the very discipline we impose to control behavior is in reality a major cause of bad behavior, disrespect for adults, and dysfunction such as bullying, hostility toward family and society, drugs, alcoholism, and teen suicide.
Dr Tsabary asserts that to parent effectively requires us to develop a deep connection with our children, so that we address the feelings that drive a child’s behavior instead of punishing. “When we tackle the reason for the behavior,” says Dr Tsabary, “it automatically changes.”
Far from a laissez-faire, “anything goes” approach, Dr Tsabary advocates for a high level of parental resolve that majors not in control, but in helping a child develop a sense of personal responsibility.
Authentic connection, in which children can be real with their parents, leads to a home in which self-discipline prevails— both for the child and the parent.
The need to “impose our will” on our children evaporates, leading to respect, ownership of one’s life, and a strong character marked by a resilience that flows naturally from within.
Most helpful customer reviews
2 of 2 people found the following review helpful.
Why You Need THIS Book Struggling Parent.
By Happy customer
I have read all of Dr. Shefali's books and am eagerly awaiting her third book coming out May 31st. This book came to me at a time I was struggling with my oldest child. Angry, impulsive, not listening. Then I was introduced to Dr. Shefali's work. And my life has been changed forever. Both as a person and a parent.
Her ideas will find you saying " is she for real?" If I don't discipline my children things will not only get worse, but I will lose any control I had. Rest assured struggling parent, this will not be the outcome. I am living proof. My children ages 7,5, and 3 are living proof. There is a better way. We continue to drink the parent Kool Aid that tells us we need to change our child. We need to be more strict, exercise more control to shape and mold our children. So they can essentially be the child we want, not the child entrusted to us. Notice how many times I said "we"? Meaning "I" not your child. Meaning your ego, your script. Not the one that your child entered this earth already possessing.
I have about a 1000 sticky notes tucked through out this book and 10,000 sentences underlined. I would leave sticky notes of these life changing insights for my husband in any place I knew he would see them. When I feel I am getting "out of control" I come back to this book and reread it. I find my groove again and my household is at peace once again.
I have since meet Dr.Shefali. If you have the chance to attend a speaking engagement of hers, do it! It will only enrich your life. And your children's.
I am in no way affiliated with Dr. Shefali other than a loyal reader, whose life has been changed for the better. I share her work with everyone I know and several other parents have experienced the same relief. Buy this book! Buy her two other books The Conscious Parent and The Awakened Family. And prepare for your own transformation.
5 of 5 people found the following review helpful.
Better results from better parenting
By Ms Molesworth
Your children don't have to "out of control" for you to gain insight from this book. No parent will ever be perfect all the time but I much prefer co-creating a peaceful home where the child's feelings as well as the parents' are respected, to being the "bad child" police doling out random punishments when we feel violated or disrespected. I can't wait to read Dr. Tsabary's new book. "The Conscious Parent". She was featured this month on the Oprah show.
2 of 2 people found the following review helpful.
I would recommend this book to any and all of our open ...
By Jenna Henke
As a conscious and spiritual family, I was looking for some guidance of how to discipline our toddler. This book not only helped me realize how I influenced my daughter's behavior but it really was therapeutic in bringing back memories of my own childhood and coming to a place of healing and understanding for the way my parents disciplined me. It surfaced a lot of feelings for me but helped heal them at the same time and by doing this, it really helped me recognize my parents struggles and the type of parent I want to be. I would recommend this book to any and all of our open minded friends who really want to work on themselves as parents.
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